Surrender...

मैंने तो तेरे, तेरे उत्ते छड्डियां डोरियाँ 

I have left all the strings to be taken care off by you

(lyrics: Highway song Patakha Guddi , composition AR Rehman)

Much has been discussed intellectually about surrender and 'going with the flow', personally, but when it comes to practice, who hasn't struggled; unless you are a realized soul , of whom, i have met very few!

Life is actually like Rainbow Grey these days... =) can't decide whether i'm moving in THE direction, but i'm moving in some direction nevertheless! who knows what awaits next? A paradigm shift is happening. there's this happy kind of confusion and chaos... not the the one i used to feel uncomfortable in, but one that makes me feel there is somewhere where I 'belong', so why so much resistance and struggle and anger at the Universe? What for? 

Who am I fighting anyway? What am I trying to prove anyway?

It's a strange comfort to be studying what you like and liking what you study! I certainly am... and all that evades is a slight smile to all the wonderful batch mates cribbing and whining about how much they feel discontented. I don't know what I'm going to do with art, theatre and psychology; but surely it's a new space i'm entering and exploring. I belong everywhere and nowhere! It is nice to discover and Accept own paradoxes before reaching out to anyone else (if that is meant to!)

Not that I don't feel unsettled anymore, but learning to "hand over to the universe" to take care of the 'results' and 'circumstances'. Life has a funny way of teaching you things. Bringing back old people, starting where you 'lefted it'  or gifting you with new moments, a speck of dust (tinka) that doesn't pinch in your eyes anymore, but settles somewhere, finds its own place with time...

Thank you...

Sharing a beautiful lullaby i'm stuck to these days, some beautiful metaphors at work. Gonna surely sing this to my kid in future! (or already am?!)  :D

Song: Sooha Saaha

Movie: Highway

Music: A R Rahman

Lyrics: Irshad Kamil

Singers: Zeb (of Zeb and Haniya), Alia Bhatt

Maina ne sooha saaha le jaana khoye ki

Meethi meethi kheti mein khelan ho..

Totaa bole pedon pe, ped se, poodi se

Sooha saaha neendan mein okha na ho

Sangi saathi, hang soone thaare ho na ho*

Sooha saaha, amma ka..

Sooha saaha, amma ka..

Sparrow will take the red rabbit to play 

in the sweet farms of milk solids..

parrot speaks on trees, to tree, to poodi,

that the red rabbit shouldn't be finding it hard to sleep..

maybe there are your friends there or not,

the red rabbit of mother..

the red rabbit of mother..

Raina...

Kaare kaare koylaan si raina

Neendi tola, tola si lai na

Taaron ka bichhona.. chain se sona

Night,

night like black coals,

Take (gold like) small, small sleep.. 

[tola is a traditional measurement of gold, almost 10 grams]

bedding of stars, sleep with peace..

Gota gota gudri mein ghoomega ghaamega

Sooha saaha maina ne le jaana ho..

he'll roam wearing shiny patched clothes,

red rabbit which the sparrow has to take..

Toota.. taara sa

Chhota sa, taara sa.. toota re..

Poochhe wo dekhun teri baari

Kyun na soye, kyun tu roye

Kyun tu khoye yoon pardes mein ho..

Broke, as if some star,

small one, some star seemed to break, [shooting star is called breaking of star in Hindi]

It asks me if I wait for your turn..

Why do you not sleep, why do you cry,

why do you get lost in foreign land like that..

Kyun tu rootha, kis se rootha

Kya hai chhoota tera des mein ho..

Why are you angry, and angry with whom?

What is left of yours in (our native) country?

Jo bhi hai rookha-sookha

Mann mein wo bolo toh

Kholon raahein baaton ki, baahein ho..

Whatever dry you have

in your heart, say..

open the paths, the arms of talks.. 

(source: Sooha Saha )

Catching Dust!

Something about the way you Smile, i may never know the Reason why... 

I am in the process of doing my undergraduate research project with autistic children.  Being an expressive person myself , i’m quite intrigued by the interplay of emotions. So when i was reading about autism and their ‘deficit’ of emotional understanding and attachment, it was hard to digest which is why i began my journey to explore and experiment...

Nevertheless, i shall rant less about my research and more about my new found love. Yes, I have been swept off my feet by one of such priceless ‘gem’ that I discovered during my exploration.  Her name is Muskaan which literally translates to a smile.

Muskaan is a 13 year old (extremely pretty) autistic and non verbal child. This means that apart from autistic symptoms, she has not spoken a word or a syllable or a sound since her birth. Quite evidently, being a non verbal child, I could not proceed with my ‘research design’ with her, since my activity involved at least basic communication verbal with the child. Moreover, Muskaan has also had frequent epileptic fits since the age of 2 years. She is EXTREMELY thin, with no basic human instinct to eat and drink (so practically food has to be forced into her). She also suffers from gravitational insecurity (especially an avoidance towards stairs, though she is comfortable in an elevator.)

The only time that I spent with her was 2 hours (1 hour on each day) during her session of Auditory Integration Therapy. I am told that she has made marked improvements. There was a time when Muskaan would just refuse to hear any sound or music and immediately locate it’s source to unplug it. She also has this obsession of holding pins (board pins or staple pins) in her hand, but she is not at all self injurious. She also has this constant habit of peeling... (wood paint or scratching anything that is scratch-able).

Even though I spent only 2 hours with her, her presence in my life has been bliss. That one hour with her seemed like ages of communication making time- elastic and filtering moments. The first time I met her, she did not seem scared of me at all (otherwise very atypical of her behaviour).  The second time I met her, was after a gap of 20 days. She entered the room, came towards me and held my sweater from the waist. Was she hugging me? :O *dazed* I would definitely like to assume YES! And this was one of those moments i felt i was in a trance and unable to react. She spent some time looking around in the room, locating the pin and holding it in her hand. The speech therapist and i had to forcefully make her sit down to make her listen to musical rhymes on the computer as part of her routine.

Muskaan generally has an expressionless face, with only occasional slight smiles. Her smiles are to die for... i used to literally dance whenever i would see her smile or meet her eye (as she rarely makes an eye contact). The moment of absolute bliss was when she would turn towards me, in hope that i would help her ‘escape’, by holding my hand on the last day. She held my hand soo tightly that she just wouldn’t leave me even after her session was over and she was supposed to go to the first floor in the elevator.! :O What is all this if this is not COMMUNICATION of emotions?

I am told that Muskaan is only close to her mother. She has an elder sister and father with whom there is not much of interaction. Sad...aint’t it? If Muskaan was my biological sister , i would dedicate my life to her, pamper her, LOVE her! =( [ i still would though... i’m never ever going to forget her!] she has taught me the meaning of ‘relationship’.  Muskaan loves to wander when left to herself... imagine.. she is so FREE! Can normal humans ever match this level of detachment and yet unconditional love? Can you imagine undergoing intense physical or emotional pain and not complaining about it? us, so called normal human beings just know how to crib and whine about little worries. Can you imagine talking incessantly to a person, without ever being conscious of being JUDGED in return? I spent some beautiful moments talking with Muskaan that i’ve never felt soo comfortable talking to anyone else! Muskaan teaches us the power of non verbal communication. She is not Abnormal.. she is Above-normal! =) We have so much to learn from these autistic children...that i'm overwhelmed with my every encounter with each one of them. they're far more interesting than us! =)

And all that I'm left with my encounter with Muskaan in the beginning of this journey of the ‘kind’of people i would like to interact and share my life with, are the words of wisdom by my Sir, that it doesn’t matter what kind of therapy you are practicing... because “EVERYBODY RESPONDS TO LOVE”...

I love Muskaan...

वो मासूम सी आँखें 

वो धीमी सी मुस्कान ,

वो प्यारा सा चेहरा 

भर के आकांक्षाएं हज़ार ...

वो छोटी सी पल्कें 

वो होटों की सरसराहट ,

वो मोती आसूं का 

रह गया मेरे पास ...

वो  गुनगुनाती ख़ामोशी 

वो सपने देखने की चाह 

वो मद्धम हो रही ज़िन्दगी की आहट 

 क्यों नहीं सुन पाया मैं आवाज़ ?!

वो मासूम सी आँखें 

वो धीमी सी मुस्कान ...

 

Don’t be so caught up in words... you’re lucky to be able to speak... so keep EXPRESSING... in any medium that you’re comfortable in! =)

Blessed be

Moments...

Time's a thief,
a stench of truth.
And moments are the dust in your eyes.
Sometimes, racing past you
Sometimes carrying you with itself.
Can you catch this dust?

Dust, that sometimes decorates your porcelain skin
as glitter around your eyes?
Dust, that at other times hypnotizes you
causing an episodic fugue?
Can you catch that dust?

Will you promise to catch this dust for me
and save in a jar called Nothing?
Will you promise love, not to label this star-dust?
and let it be OURS, forever...

1.12.12, 12:20 am.