My sister made a passing comment "How do you do it?".
Whatever little that i have managed to understand of my tryst with Psychology so far and its professions is that the trick lies not in 'doing' but 'being'. There have been times i have felt tormented at not being able to 'do' anything at all, thus spiralling to a disease of guilt that we so often trap ourselves in.
Thanks to Sito today for reminding me to share the idiosyncratic and sometimes disturbing thoughts that linger in my mind. His recent post on Silence made me retrospect my own journey with silence so far which has changed in certain forms, for better or worse. I have realized that sometimes our fears are so insignificant that we often irrationally evaluate it, as if, a life and death situation. I am at a stage right now where I am struggling to move out of the 'student' mode and enter the 'adult' life learning to work and 'earn a living'. I remember a year back or so, my preoccupations with the fear of not EVER being able to earn a living was so intense that it made me feel inadequate and inept at anything that I knew/learnt or wanted to do/work. And now that I am managing to do so I wonder, till how long will I be able to sustain it (if that is meant to be at all)? The aphorism by Oscar Wilde for Dorian "The only horrible thing in the world is ennui" resonates with my state of being in the world. Boredom has often created a rage inside me. And that is not because i did not know what i wanted to do (or be) but because i dwelled too much over WHY i wanted to do what i wanted to do! The why questions are to be ignored in future in order to lead a healthy life :P!
One of the situations where I have felt the most inadequate or helpless even in terms of reaction is when someone shares the news of death of a loved one with me. Whether a friend, elder or a child. An eight year old boy lost his mother yesterday who passed away because of Blood Cancer. The boy (10 year old) who was left to take care of his younger brother had no idea how to make sense of life with his absentee mother. I don't know how many therapists, counselors or psychologists feel at ease in shedding tears with their clients, but yesterday when we both sat in silence together, it felt so natural in grieving together with the child... Gratitude and Love to the beautiful soul.
I am still struggling to Be, to Do, to give and receive.
Whatever little that i have managed to understand of my tryst with Psychology so far and its professions is that the trick lies not in 'doing' but 'being'. There have been times i have felt tormented at not being able to 'do' anything at all, thus spiralling to a disease of guilt that we so often trap ourselves in.
Thanks to Sito today for reminding me to share the idiosyncratic and sometimes disturbing thoughts that linger in my mind. His recent post on Silence made me retrospect my own journey with silence so far which has changed in certain forms, for better or worse. I have realized that sometimes our fears are so insignificant that we often irrationally evaluate it, as if, a life and death situation. I am at a stage right now where I am struggling to move out of the 'student' mode and enter the 'adult' life learning to work and 'earn a living'. I remember a year back or so, my preoccupations with the fear of not EVER being able to earn a living was so intense that it made me feel inadequate and inept at anything that I knew/learnt or wanted to do/work. And now that I am managing to do so I wonder, till how long will I be able to sustain it (if that is meant to be at all)? The aphorism by Oscar Wilde for Dorian "The only horrible thing in the world is ennui" resonates with my state of being in the world. Boredom has often created a rage inside me. And that is not because i did not know what i wanted to do (or be) but because i dwelled too much over WHY i wanted to do what i wanted to do! The why questions are to be ignored in future in order to lead a healthy life :P!
One of the situations where I have felt the most inadequate or helpless even in terms of reaction is when someone shares the news of death of a loved one with me. Whether a friend, elder or a child. An eight year old boy lost his mother yesterday who passed away because of Blood Cancer. The boy (10 year old) who was left to take care of his younger brother had no idea how to make sense of life with his absentee mother. I don't know how many therapists, counselors or psychologists feel at ease in shedding tears with their clients, but yesterday when we both sat in silence together, it felt so natural in grieving together with the child... Gratitude and Love to the beautiful soul.
I am still struggling to Be, to Do, to give and receive.
Dear bani
ReplyDeleteI love this post for its honesty. I have met many "students" and "teachers" who were so deluded by what they have achieved academically especially the ones who considered themselves at the top of the heap. They were so surprised that things are different in real Life. I personally believe Life is something we must earn, Life is something we must learn.
The Sages and Masters have always taught "As we think, so we become". So banish the Fear in you. You said in this post -- Boredom has often created a rage inside me. And that is because i did not know what i wanted to do (or be) but because i dwelled too much over a WHY i wanted to do what I wanted to do! -- you are correct in deciding to ignore the WHY from hereon as dwelling so much in this leaves Spontaneity out of Life.
I say let Boredom create COUrage inside you instead and Do, and Be, and Become ...
Life, Light, and Love
Thank you Sito, your words always seem to make sense to my restless mind =)
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